Update 2...back surgery (kinda)

I have been dealing with the oh so glorious back problems again.  I went back to the pain management doctor the week of Thanksgiving and had injections in my spine again.  He got the right nerve this time and aside from the pain during the procedure, I felt no pain.  That was the best night of sleep I had in years.  I was pain free in that area for 3.5 weeks, which is amazing.  The only thing that caused the pain to start again was that I tried beginners yoga at a retreat and the stretching/twisting caused me to aggravate that area.  I wasn't too worried though because I have prescription pain killers to help with the pain.  I don't take them near as often as I'm allowed to, mainly because I don't want to be dependent on them to deal with the pain.  I try to wait till it hurts pretty bad or I sense it will be getting bad soon, and then I'll take medicine.  I just hate the idea of being dependent on medication to feel better. 

So I went back to the doctor today (well yesterday now that it's after midnight) and had what's called a RF procedure completed.  RF stands for Radio Frequency and is where the doctor essentially burns or cauterizes the nerve that is causing the pain.  I was having a serious panic attack when I got to the doctor's office because they told me there was not enough time to give me a zanex for my anxiety.  The nurse is friends with my brother and the older sister of my brother's ex-girlfriend, who is also my friend.  So she tells me that she text my brother this morning to make sure I'm there early so the zanex has time to kick in before my procedure.  Yep, sure didn't get that message.  So I ask if I could have the IV conscious sedative this time because I had it last time.  I didn't want it because it burned like hell and made me cry the last time, but it was better than nothing at all.  They tell me that they don't have any there right now so I was SOL.  As the nurse is telling me this and explaining for me to get in my gown and little surgery hat and to leave my socks and undergarments on, the surgery nurse pops open my "holding area" door and says they are ready for me.  I have a full blown meltdown at that point and start to panic, telling them I'm running out the other door.  The nurse explains that I wasn't given the zanex and there is no conscious sedatives there so what does she do because I obviously really need one.  The surgery nurse asked if I have a driver (yup, my big brother goes with me since my hubby is gone during the week) and says to give me two zanex because it would kick in almost immediately. 

So I go in the room and lay down on the surgery bed, face down...well I lay my head sideways on this cool little pillow cause I like to stare at the weird things they have on the wall.  I asked the surgery nurse what to expect.  I've had two sets of injections before and wanted to know if it would be similar to those or different.  She told me that they will initially inject a local anesthetic into my spice to numb the area, and then the doctor will use fluoroscopy (it's like a live version of an x-ray) to guide the placement of his needles.  Once the needles are in the right place he will shoot me up with more anesthetic.  Then they will send electrical current to the nerve to make sure the needle is exactly where it will be.  They said the electrical current shouldn't hurt, but I might feel a little tingle or pulse type of thing.  Once they do that and determine if the needle is in the right place, they numb me some more and then they cauterize the nerve.  Apparently one of the needles is a special heating needle that heats up to 80 degrees Celsius and it cauterizes the nerve.  They said I shouldn't feel anything when that happens because I will be numb, but if I did feel anything to let them know immediately and they will stop and add more anesthetic to the area.  I'm pretty sure he numbed me 6 times, in multiple locations because they cauterized 2 or 3 nerves.  They gave me a squishy stress ball to squeeze during the procedure...which was mainly to distract me, and it helped for the most part!  I only felt pain when he was inserting the needles initially and when he was injecting the anesthetic.  No joke it felt like 1,000 bee stings at once with every needle poke.  The injection of the medicine was excruciating pain, but I was so thankful for it after I was numb.  The entire procedure lasted about 30 minutes roughly.  They said I will be really sore and in pain for 24-72 hours and then the pain will slowly start to dissipate.  After that it should be 6 months to 2 years with no pain in that area at all. 

So my brother and I decided to go get lunch after I was done.  I figured I owed it to him to buy him lunch since he took the morning off work (for the second time) to go with me to my appointment.  I'm extremely thankful that my brother's boss is understanding and willing to let my brother do these things without much notice.  So we went to eat at Chipotle...which was amazing as always.  My brother drove me to his work and then I drove to my mom's house across town.  I could tell the double dose of zanex was starting to kick in so I needed to go home soon.  I live 30 minutes from my mom's house, 50 minutes from my doctor.  My mom asked if I wanted to have my stepdad drive me home and have my grandma pick him up.  I said no I'm fine.  She said do you want grandma to drive you home and have Cliff, her husband, follow you and pick her up.  I again said I'm fine to drive.  Little did I know, she could tell I wasn't fine, but I honestly thought I was fine.  My eyes were barely open and I felt 100% exhausted.  I just wanted to get home and go to sleep.  So I had a soda (that was unfortunately caffeine free) and some New Kids On The Block that is a high energy CD that I used to keep me awake.  I did fine until I made it to Chapman, which is the half-way point to my house.  After that I noticed my eyes started to get blurry and a couple times I was driving in the middle of the interstate (yep driving on the dotted white line).  I'm surprised other cars didn't call 911 and report me drunk.  I successfully made it home alive without killing anyone or myself.  I let the dogs out for 5 minutes to potty, and then we went to take a "nap."  I slept for 5 hours straight.  I woke up at 6:00 pm all confused as to why it was dark outside and why my clock was reading 6 pm.  I suppose that's what taking 2 xanex will do to you!  All 4 of my dogs slept with me during my nap.  My rottweiler laid next to my back, with his back up against mine so none of the dogs could accidentally kick me while we slept.  Since I woke up, I've been really sore, lots of pain on my right side (the side of the procedure), and I'm walking extremely slow.  I went to Dairy Queen for dinner because I couldn't stand the idea of standing in front of the stove cooking a meal in this kind of pain.  So I of course treated myself to a milkshake as well!  :)  Now that I have taken all my pills and my pain pill, I'm relaxing until I can fall asleep.  My dogs are being amazing, they are walking with me anytime I get up and move.  They are playing quietly for once and taking turns checking on me or sitting next to me.  I don't think I could ask for better caregivers!  

Longest update ever...part 1

You know the longer it has been since you've updated your blog, the less motivation you feel toward doing it.  I've been putting it off since the end of October/beginning of November just because it seemed too daunting to bother with.  Well a lot has happened since the last update, as I'm sure you can imagine.  My practicum agency has undergone some major changes, which often leave staff wondering if they will have a job next week.  We merged our two residential facilities, gained a new clinical director, then lost that clinical director, then our executive director resumed both positions.  Everyone keeps telling me that I'm probably one of the only safe people at the agency because I'm free help.  If they "fire" the student intern then everyone else knows they are doomed as well.  I do my best to stay out of the drama that has come up since all the transitions, but I share an office with the two social workers.  Our office always has been and will always be the information hub of the facility, so it becomes difficult to avoid the gossip. Aside from that I've just been busy with school and my practicum.  I was supposed to have 360 hours for the semester and I ended up with 402.5 hours for the semester.  I used 2 of my allotted "sick days" during the semester, one for a final exam and the other to attend a court hearing for my cousin's murder trial...that we hope will begin soon.  I gave up one of my two Christmas break weeks (social work students come back roughly 2-3 weeks earlier than normal students because of our practicum obligations) to work, which ended up being really good because I got a lot of stuff done that the other social workers had absolutely no time to finish. 

I mentioned that I had to take a day off in November for a court hearing for my cousin's murder trial.  I can't really say anything about it due to it being held in a federal court and the severity of everything going on.  I will say that they have two suspects in custody, one of which was who we all knew was involved, the other one caught us all by surprise...especially since we used to know his family.  The say it could be up to a year before the actual trial begins, but the suspects are in custody and will remain in custody.  I try not to think about it near as much because I trust the judicial system and know that the length of time means the prosecution has more time to solidify their case.  Granted it also means the defense has time to solidify their case as well, but I trust the states attorney when he says he is confident about the case.  I will say though, when we went to the hearing, we were late because we didn't know where to park.  The security officer made me take off my boots so they could run them through the visual scanner because he thought I had a weapon in there.  Then he refused to give them back to me at first.  Imagine the look on my face as I was one second away from causing a scene in a federal courthouse.  One thing that I didn't know was that they confiscate cell phones while you are in the federal courthouse.  I suppose its so people can't communicate what is happening, but it was really odd to me.  I did get my boots back back and had to run to the elevator as I was trying to put them back on and zip them all at the same time.  The officers radioed someone as we were on the elevator to let them know we were coming up, and apparently they cleared everyone out of the hallway for us.  I didn't know this until afterwards, but apparently as "the victims" of the case they wanted to protect us from everyone and/or protect everyone else from us.  My aunt held up amazing for the hearing, but my mom was another story.  She was so angry sitting in the same room with the two suspects, so we probably won't be taking her with us to future hearings.  I think I did a great job of holding myself together as well.  Being in a courtroom is a familiar, safe, place for me due to my line of work...so I looked at this as the same thing.  It probably helped that I had recently taken a trip to the women's state prison a few weeks prior and met a woman who was in prison for voluntary manslaughter.  Plus I work with extremely violent youth and sex offenders everyday, so I've learned how to keep a tough face.  Okay back to my original story.  I noticed immediately there were two US Marshalls in the courtroom due to it being a federal case...and I must admit that they were everything I thought a US Marshall would look like.  They were incognito, nice suits, badge on their waist, and pretty good looking.  We all need some good eye candy in times of stress!  :)

Okay so I'm going to post the rest in another update so anyone who actually still reads this doesn't get bored with my novel!

Just a little update

It's strange to think that I haven't blogged in just over a month.  I've sat down to write a post numerous times...but my thoughts just weren't coming out the way I wanted them to, so I gave up the attempt.  Things have changed pretty drastically around here.  Kyle is finally working.  I say finally because it was about 11 months since he had a job...11 months of hell.  I think he started to get a little too comfortable sitting at home playing video games, watching things on youtube and watching TV.  It's like he was looking for a certain job and would not take anything else, despite us truly needing to have that income coming in.  People assume that because he is "retired army" that he is making a lot of money.  The truth is that he is only making about $1100 a month from the Army and about $300 a month from the VA.  $1400 a month is not enough to cover the bills, gas for the vehicles, groceries, and food for the dogs.  It's frustrating to think that we currently owe 9 months worth of rent, have two maxed out credit cards, have been late paying most of our bills each month, and live off such a little amount of money.  Now that he is working (not a great paying job, but it's some income coming in) we will at least be able to pay most of our bills with ease, except our rent.  I thank the lord every single day that we live in my grandmother's house and she is allowing us to pay her back when we can.  By the time we are able to pay her back, we will probably owe around $8000 in past rent...if not more.  The downfall of everything is that Kyle is horrible with his money and refuses to get a joint banking account.  I even suggested we have a joint account and separate accounts that way all the money for bills can come out of one account...and I know it's paid.  He refuses to do that.  He wants to keep his account with USAA and not use any other bank.  The downfall to this is that his new boss won't direct deposit, he only pays in paper checks.  This means that we have to mail off his paycheck when he gets them or pay $3.00 to have the cashed at the grocery store.  Either we wait an additional week to be able to pay bills or we lose $3.00 every paycheck.  In the end he cashes the check and gives a large chunk of the money to me so I can put the money in my account and pay all the bills.  Seriously it's a waste of time and money to keep playing this game...but it's a battle I hate fighting all the time. 

On that note, Kyle's new job means he is gone a lot.  I'm not going to say how often/what he does/when he works/etc for safety purposes of me and him.  For those who don't know, I have severe anxiety when he is gone.  By this I mean I keep everything in my house locked up, all doors to rooms in my house are closed unless I will be going in there that day/night...and then there is a lamp turned on when I'm not in there.  Ummm my phone is in my hand or pocket at all times...never do I leave the room without it.  My dogs are inside the house with me about 90% of the time, and they sleep in my room with me.  The biggest thing is that I usually worry myself to the point of tears and it's anywhere from 2am-6am before I actually fall asleep...but I'll only be able to fall asleep if I have a loaded gun under the pillow next to me.  Not exactly the safest thing to do, but it's what helps me get through a night alone. 

This is a HUGE change for me.  I used to be extremely independent.  I lived alone in a semi bad neighborhood (ironically my house was about 3 blocks from where my cousin was murdered in her car).  I had one cat, no dogs, no weapons other than a 50 lb purse (no joke on the weight of my purse either)...it was just me and my kitty.  I kept my doors shut and locked when I was home, I kept my windows closed and locked....but I never worried about my safety.  Every since Kyle moved in with me after his last deployment (he got back in September 2006), things have slowly been changing and I've started to develop anxiety.  Kyle is generally a paranoid person.  He is always watching the doors, looking over his shoulder, and watching every person around him.  This is part of his PTSD...he believes something bad will happen if he doesn't keep his guard up at all times.  He even does this in my parent's house.  It's a horrible feeling to not feel safe when you're by yourself.  I live in a very small town, in a very good neighborhood.  There are primarily older, retired couples or widows that live in our neighborhood.  We have a state trooper, 2 sheriff's deputies, and 2-3 police officers who live in my neighborhood.  I have no reason to not feel safe.  I've been working on this and it gets a little bit easier as time without him progresses...but it's still tough.  I'm hoping things will start to get easier for me as time passes...but only time will tell.

Well I suppose that's enough of my ramblings for now.  I don't want to bore my readers too much (if anyone still reads this blog).

Rachelle

In a Rut

So I'm in a rut tonight.  Not sure why, but I go through this phase everytime the seasons start to change.  I just feel really depressed and lonely.  I'm known for quite some time that I don't have friends.  I've got a couple girls that I used to work with who I consider friends....but we don't ever do anything together.  I literally do not leave my house unless I'm going to class, practicum, grocery shopping or to my mom's house.  I think back to 5 years ago and remember how much of a social butterfly I used to be, and how social my husband used to be.  Now all we do is sit in the house and do nothing.  If we don't have something going on that day, we will be inside the house for a good 23 hours and 45 minutes.  That other 15 minutes will be taking the dogs out back and standing there with them for a couple minutes.  It's seriously depressing and heartbreaking knowing that I don't have any friends.  I know that's a sign that I need to get out and have a life...but how do you do that when your husband has severe PTSD.  He doesn't like to meet new people and always thinks something or someone is watching him whenever we go anywhere.  It makes things difficult to try to build a new friendship.  Ugh....I'm just tired of being lonely.  Even when we are together, 90% of his time is spent playing video games or on YouTube.  5% is spent cooking and the other 5% is eating dinner with me while we watch one of the shows we like together.  It's just frustrating because I know a lot has to do with his injuries and all that jazz....but then I feel like I'm not doing something right because I can't get him to spend quality time with me.  I'd rather have some crappy time over no time....but in reality I just want quality time and maybe some friends.

School is in session

This post should be a short post cause I'm tired and need sleep!

School is officially back in session.  Our first class online was last week, our first on campus class was today.  Both of my classes have 13 students in there (including me) so they will be smaller and more open to discussions that most of us will feel comfortable in.  I'm not sure how I feel about the readings and assignments yet, but I have a couple more weeks to make an opinion on those completely. 

I start my new practicum tomorrow morning.  I'll be there Wednesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays from 8am-4pm.  I'll be working in a Psychiatric Residential Treatment Facility.  I won't put the name due to confidentiality.  I'm not 100% positive what  I will be doing, but it sounds like I'll be learning intakes, assessments, group therapy, family therapy, individual therapy, maybe some equestrian therapy and stuff with the ropes course.  The first few days/weeks will be spent doing orientation type stuff, but hopefully it picks up quickly and I learn quickly.  I'm terrified, yet excited at the same time.  Wish me luck!

Baby Shower From HELL

August 6th marked the day of the baby shower that I spent all summer planning for my cousin, Sara.  Well the girl is quite frankly just crazy, so as you can imagine the pregnancy hormones don't make things any better.  The night before the shower she got into huge fight with her husband (not going to go into details) and the police were called.  Essentially she refused to allow him back in the house....so my hubby, Kyle, drove the 45 minutes one way to pick him up and let him sleep on our couch.  Well because my cousin thinks Kyle is the devil (don't really know why either), she decided she was not going to show up at the baby shower....her own baby shower.  This sparked huge fights and a lot of pissed off people.  Eventually she showed up 30 minutes late and ignored me (because I'm a dumb bitch--her words not mine).  The shower was kind of fun, but I think ultimately she was only there for the gifts and didn't want to do anything else.  Her husband and Kyle came back after it was done, as they were going to help me take everything down.  She flipped out on her hubby for being around Kyle and stormed out of the church cursing at him.  By the time we made it their apartment with all the gifts and stuff, she was in the parking lot screaming at all of us, much 99% of it was toward him.  This was my first hand experience of this crazy woman who shares the same bloodline ad me.  Gosh I hope I don't ever get like that. 

So Long, boring story later.  I am officially over baby showers.  I spent way too much money and time working on it to feel this unappreciated.  Sorry about the boring post!

Everything else in July

As you could see, my months of June and July were kind of crazy with the things I had going on...but the days I didn't have anything going on meant I sat at home on my couch.  The end of July marked the end of my summer class.  I got an A (high A) in the class and loved that it helped bring my G.P.A up from that B I had last semester.  I LOVED the class and wish that instructor taught more classes.  I would make the 3 hour drive just to have a class with him. 

The end of July also meant the 2nd birthday without Crystal.  She would have turned 27 on July 30th, so we had a birthday party for her.  I made some rum flavored cupcakes...okay there may have been a LOT of rum in them!  We had a little BBQ with family and friends and had a good time for the most part.  I stayed sober because I was driving and on new medication.  We left when all the drinking started because I don't have a desire to be around drunk people.  I'm over that phase of my life.  I don't mind if people have a few beers around me, but taking shot after shot after shot....on top of all those beers...just not my thing.  I guess someone has to be the grown-up.  Unfortunately Crystal's oldest son, Jaydan, wasn't able to make it to the party.  His dad had some car trouble up in Ohio and couldn't get the car fixed in time.  We missed seeing him, but understand the situation.  The following day my mom and I took flowers and a cupcake over to Crystal's grave site and left them there for her.  It's definitely gotten a lot easier to go over there and see her...if I have someone else with me.  If I go alone, I'm a sobbing mess.  I think the family needs to go visit her more often though because her grave looks crappy now that things have been taken down/stolen/etc.  Sadly my grandma is buried at the cemetery right down the road from Crystal, but I haven't been to see her in a while.  I need to start making a plan to go see them both more often. 

Okay so that marked the end of July (that I can remember).  Oh wait, the last day of July we got decent news.  Kyle finally got a rating from the VA.  He got a decent rating for a first try, but we found some discrepancies in the VA report b/c the doctor wrote incorrect information.  Now the VA is telling us that the information cannot be amended by the doctor and will forever be in there incorrectly.  We are going to meet with someone about everything next week to see what we can do and to see how to file another claim since they are saying his hearing loss and respiratory issues are not service connected.  Ummm pretty sure the hearing loss came from having an IED blown up right outside the door of his vehicle...and the respiratory issue is why he was medically retired to begin with.  Ugh I hate fighting the black tape to get anything done.  He's still not on PTSD meds because his psychiatrist went on vacation and apparently has decided she doesn't want to return phone calls or send the meds now that she is back.  I don't understand, but I know we have to keep fighting all the bullshit.  Oh another note, we are trying to get Kyle in to see his primary care doctor on post.  His liver enzymes are really high still and they are saying the ultrasound showed signs of fatty liver disease....therefore meaning someone needs to check it out.  The VA is the one who found all this stuff but they won't even address it or treat him for it.  Pretty sure I might sue the VA if my husband dies from fatty liver disease and nobody was willing to treat him for it.  Ugh.  I'm trying to stay positive though.  Lord knows he seems to be in a permanently bad mood about things.  He doesn't think he's acting different, but I can see it as clear as the words I'm typing right now.  He is also not sleeping well.  He tosses and turns so much that it keeps me awake half the night.  I just wish they would prescribe the medications and that they help him because he can't sustain himself on this level of anger with the world. 

So that was July....I'll move on to August in another post.