Let the anxiety begin

Okay so I have not started off with a good start on updating this blog like I intended to...so my goal is to be more regular in the updates.  Things have been pretty hectic over the last two weeks.  I started my classes again, but I'm not sure what to think about them yet.  I'm taking Social Work Research Methods, Human Behavior in the Social Environment (HBSE), and Practice 2.  My research class seems like it will be fairly relaxed with the exception of the major research project due after spring break.  HBSE scares me to my wits end.  I think I'll like learning the material but there is A LOT of reading, A LOT of papers, and a very fast pace to accompany it.  I just hope I'll be able to keep up.  Practice 2 is very similar in nature to Practice 2 last semester.  I have the same professor and I'm with the same group of students (KU requires us to maintain the same practice class over both semesters our first year).  We will be learning different material, and the papers seem to be longer and more intensive...but all in all I love being in that class.  I've been doing a really good job of staying on top of the readings so far, which is 100% better than I was this time last semester.  Now if only I can stay motivated and make sure I get an early start on my papers, I'll be good to go.  I just hope I don't get so overwhelmed again like last semester.  Last semester was a nightmare and my anxiety just kept getting worse, so I had several mental breakdowns.  Not good for a social work graduate student.  School has always come easy for me, so it's hard for me to understand why grad school isn't the same...and why I get so frustrated and overwhelmed so easily.  I suppose it could have a lot to do with the things going on in my personal life, but I have to move past these feelings if I'm going to survive. 

On another note, I'm 1/3 of the way done with practicum this semester.  I officially have 107.25 hours of the 300 hours I need by April 22nd.  I should be finished with practicum the first or second week of April at this rate.  I'm not sure if I'm truly where I need to be in terms of grading for this semester.  My liaison was not impressed with my scores last semester, so she completed a practicum concern report on me.  I tend to get overly anxious when it comes to school/not passing/getting in trouble/etc...so this really bothers me.  I try not to let on that it bothers me as much as it does, but I've lost sleep numerous nights because of it.  I feel like I'm doing the best that I can do while I'm at practicum.  I mean, I am taking 9 hours of graduate classes, I'm in practicum 22 hours a week, I commute 2 hours each way to class (4 hours every other week), plus I have to do all of my readings, papers, homework, etc.  I'm stretched thin as it already is, so I'm not sure what else I need to be doing in terms of getting my scores up higher.  At what point does my husband have to stop being second to my education?  Needless to say my liaison is coming out again on Valentine's day for another field visit to see where I am at in terms of ratings/scores.  If I'm not at the level she thinks I should be at, then I could potentially be referred to the Academic review board...aka meaning I could be looking at getting kicked out of the program.  My grades are awesome, I have a 3.9 gpa (would be 4.0 but I got an A- and that [-] apparently hurts your gpa)...but I could be in trouble because of someone's opinion that I'm not trying my best.  All I can do is wait and see what happens, but I know I'll still worry about it quite a bit. 

Things at home seem to be going good for the most part.  Kyle is finally getting some hope with the VA and we have just started the compensation and pension examinations so he can get rated.  Hopefully it won't take longer than a couple months to get everything done.  He officially has a diagnosis of Acute PTSD.  He hates that he has the label of PTSD and chooses to ignore it most of the time.  He thinks people look at him as 'crazy' because he has PTSD.  I just wish he could understand that every soldier who has been deployed has some sort of PTSD...he just has a severe case of it.  Looking at the circumstances in what he's been through and the fact that he had a TBI, I think he's lucky to only have that diagnosis.  I am glad that we finally have a diagnosis though.  It's taken a lot of me repeating stories to be able to get this far.  I always feel like I'm throwing him under a bus when I tell the doctor or therapist the things he's done...but I have the big picture in mind when I let them know what's going on.  He understands it's not normal to try to smother your wife in her sleep or to wake up in the middle of the night insisting that there are people in the room telling him to do things, but he doesn't want the label that goes along with people knowing there is something wrong.  In addition to the PTSD, he has been diagnosed with having seizures in his sleep, which explain why he stops breathing on a regular basis.  The Psychiatrist says that if the neurologist can service connect the seizures to his deployment then he could potentially get 100% disability from the VA.  I'm not sure why they wouldn't be able to connect it though, I mean they all came from his TBI.  My worries with getting 100% is that he won't be able to work and he may turn to alcohol again.  We worked so hard to get him to not depend on alcohol and to stop drinking, so I'd hate to see him slip back into a raging alcoholic again.  He used to drink 22 hours a day, 7 days a week.  He was wasted a good 12-15 hours a day.  He used to drink before PT, after PT, after work until he went to bed, and sometimes wake up in the middle of the night and drink again.  I can only imagine what kind of problems will come about if that starts up again.

In addition to all of this going on, I'm also planning a memorial and candlelight vigil for my cousin Crystal.  I'll post the story in another post so this one doesn't get too long.  But as you can tell my life is swamped with things to do.  It's a wonder I'm able to function correctly.