Today we laid to rest a very special woman. She was the grounding force that held her entire family together, whether they were near or far. Over the last 27 years I was privileged to get to know this woman to be a funny, sincere, enforcer to her kids and grandchildren, and most of all I knew her to be a loving wife to the sweetest man you'll ever meet. They were married for 36 years when she passed away from terminal cancer on January 2, 2012. This woman, Jacquelyn Adele Cammarn (Jackie) was the grandmother of two of my nieces. The oldest is 10 and lived with her grandparents off and on throughout her life. Her younger sister (I often refer to her as Satan on this blog) is just about to turn 6....and has not had near enough time with her grandma. Explaining death to children is tough...explaining cremation to a 10 year old is even tougher. The entire Cammarn family is an extension to our family through many many links. We grew up together roaming the streets and causing havoc on the world. We were poor kids doing whatever we could to have fun. Times have changed now. Most of us are married and/or have children...so there is no longer running around all day and night long causing havoc. Jackie was loved by many, as it was shown at the memorial service today. The only thing I can say that was positive of this ordeal is that she is no longer suffering from her cancer. Her cancer spread quickly and she deteriorated quickly. Now she is in heaven with a clean bill of health looking down on us, protecting us. Now we start the journey of helping them to rebuild their family and learn to rely on one another instead of their mom.
Rachelle
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Sunday, January 1, 2012
New Year, New Followers
I'm participating in a blog hop to start the new year off right! I'm hoping to find many new blogs to read (and to help me avoid homework) and I'm hoping some additional followers will help me stay on track with my blog.
Disclaimer: Things have been pretty hectic for me lately but I am in the process of writing two blog posts, one as a recap of 2011 and the other to share the hope and encouragement I found at a retreat for Wounded Warrior Wives. Look for those in the next day or two.
Wounded Warrior Wives Retreat
A few weeks ago I attended a retreat for Wounded Warrior Wives. It was put on by Operation Homefront's Wounded Warrior Wives program and sponsored by Tri West. In addition the actual "learning" part of the program was facilitated by Hope for the Homefront. The retreat was from December 9-11, 2011 at a ranch/camp just south of Junction City, KS. I want to share my experience with everyone in hopes it may inspire someone else to attend a retreat someday.
So I get there around 5:30 pm on Friday and get all checked in and what not. I was told that I was going to be sleeping in a cabin at the completely other end of the facility, in my own room, and have my own shower. I immediately started thinking that I was "the last one picked for teams" because of all this information. I left my stuff in my car until I knew where I was going to be staying...and because I got there so close to the start of the program, which was dinner at 6:00 pm. I did not know anyone at the retreat. I was terrified because I tend to be really shy at first, unless I feel really comfortable with someone. I ended up eating dinner with 4 other ladies, who made me feel like I had known them for years. I don't want to violate their privacy so I won't use their real names in here. One girl was 9 months pregnant and sat next to me at dinner. We hit it off really well and just talked the entire night long. Then I found out she was sleeping in the other lodge and we wouldn't be cabin mates. Just meant I had to chat with her throughout the day.
Friday night we had a served meal, I think it was roast beef with some mashed potatoes, green beans and a roll. It's amazing how I can remember food from that long ago! It was pretty good considering its not how we make it at home. After dinner we had a guest speaker, he was the commander of the Warrior Transition Battalion (WTB). I can't remember his name or rank for the life of me. None the less he spoke to us about the services offered by the WTB that were available to both the service member and the depended. One of the big questions and topics that night was the matter of recent soldiers in the WTB were not being checked on appropriately and there had been 2 suicides within the last month or so. He did a good job of steering clear of that question and finished his speech really quick, and then ran out the door so he wouldn't get anymore questions asked about his battalion. After he left, we immediately jumped into the program. The facilitator, Marshele Carter Waddell, shared her military wife story with us and began the program with helping us all know that we have a roof full of girlfriends who are willing to help each other.
When we got back to the cabin that night I started to slowly talk with some of the other ladies there. I am in love with how many amazing women were in that cabin with me. I stayed up till 1 or 2 in the morning both Friday and Saturday nights because I was talking with 2 or 3 of my new girlfriends. I loved having someone to relate to and someone to vent to without having the world hate my husband. I think I will be staying in regular contact with both of these ladies because they were big helps for me at the retreat and have given me lots of advice since then.
The Saturday portion consisted on learning signs about TBI, PTSD, STS, and creating plans to help us women overcome some of the problems that were identified throughout the day. After those sessions were done, we got to choose between 3 activities for our TLC time. I chose to do beginners yoga and hated myself the next day. The stretching pulled the muscles in my back too much and caused too much pain. Very frustrating but oh well. After that we went to eat dinner and then had our evening activity. We watched a movie about the royal family in England, something like King Arthur or something. I don't remember. Then on Sunday we did a few small programs and then created our cardboard testimony showing how we have changed from Friday to Sunday. After we made them, we did a parade in front of everyone showing our testimonies. Many made us cry, many made us laugh, but I think we all left with a few good friends and a new way to view our world.
Since the retreat we have kept in contact through Facebook. We have a locally scheduled bowling get together for the Sunday. I think we will have like 4 or 5 people going, but that's okay by me. I also signed up to attend a woman's night out event sponsored by operation homefront, Kansas Chapter. So in a couple weeks I will be spending my Friday evening with some of my new girlfriends from the retreat, and I'll be making some new friends! I'm super excited about it all!
So I get there around 5:30 pm on Friday and get all checked in and what not. I was told that I was going to be sleeping in a cabin at the completely other end of the facility, in my own room, and have my own shower. I immediately started thinking that I was "the last one picked for teams" because of all this information. I left my stuff in my car until I knew where I was going to be staying...and because I got there so close to the start of the program, which was dinner at 6:00 pm. I did not know anyone at the retreat. I was terrified because I tend to be really shy at first, unless I feel really comfortable with someone. I ended up eating dinner with 4 other ladies, who made me feel like I had known them for years. I don't want to violate their privacy so I won't use their real names in here. One girl was 9 months pregnant and sat next to me at dinner. We hit it off really well and just talked the entire night long. Then I found out she was sleeping in the other lodge and we wouldn't be cabin mates. Just meant I had to chat with her throughout the day.
Friday night we had a served meal, I think it was roast beef with some mashed potatoes, green beans and a roll. It's amazing how I can remember food from that long ago! It was pretty good considering its not how we make it at home. After dinner we had a guest speaker, he was the commander of the Warrior Transition Battalion (WTB). I can't remember his name or rank for the life of me. None the less he spoke to us about the services offered by the WTB that were available to both the service member and the depended. One of the big questions and topics that night was the matter of recent soldiers in the WTB were not being checked on appropriately and there had been 2 suicides within the last month or so. He did a good job of steering clear of that question and finished his speech really quick, and then ran out the door so he wouldn't get anymore questions asked about his battalion. After he left, we immediately jumped into the program. The facilitator, Marshele Carter Waddell, shared her military wife story with us and began the program with helping us all know that we have a roof full of girlfriends who are willing to help each other.
When we got back to the cabin that night I started to slowly talk with some of the other ladies there. I am in love with how many amazing women were in that cabin with me. I stayed up till 1 or 2 in the morning both Friday and Saturday nights because I was talking with 2 or 3 of my new girlfriends. I loved having someone to relate to and someone to vent to without having the world hate my husband. I think I will be staying in regular contact with both of these ladies because they were big helps for me at the retreat and have given me lots of advice since then.
The Saturday portion consisted on learning signs about TBI, PTSD, STS, and creating plans to help us women overcome some of the problems that were identified throughout the day. After those sessions were done, we got to choose between 3 activities for our TLC time. I chose to do beginners yoga and hated myself the next day. The stretching pulled the muscles in my back too much and caused too much pain. Very frustrating but oh well. After that we went to eat dinner and then had our evening activity. We watched a movie about the royal family in England, something like King Arthur or something. I don't remember. Then on Sunday we did a few small programs and then created our cardboard testimony showing how we have changed from Friday to Sunday. After we made them, we did a parade in front of everyone showing our testimonies. Many made us cry, many made us laugh, but I think we all left with a few good friends and a new way to view our world.
Since the retreat we have kept in contact through Facebook. We have a locally scheduled bowling get together for the Sunday. I think we will have like 4 or 5 people going, but that's okay by me. I also signed up to attend a woman's night out event sponsored by operation homefront, Kansas Chapter. So in a couple weeks I will be spending my Friday evening with some of my new girlfriends from the retreat, and I'll be making some new friends! I'm super excited about it all!
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Update 2...back surgery (kinda)
I have been dealing with the oh so glorious back problems again. I went back to the pain management doctor the week of Thanksgiving and had injections in my spine again. He got the right nerve this time and aside from the pain during the procedure, I felt no pain. That was the best night of sleep I had in years. I was pain free in that area for 3.5 weeks, which is amazing. The only thing that caused the pain to start again was that I tried beginners yoga at a retreat and the stretching/twisting caused me to aggravate that area. I wasn't too worried though because I have prescription pain killers to help with the pain. I don't take them near as often as I'm allowed to, mainly because I don't want to be dependent on them to deal with the pain. I try to wait till it hurts pretty bad or I sense it will be getting bad soon, and then I'll take medicine. I just hate the idea of being dependent on medication to feel better.
So I went back to the doctor today (well yesterday now that it's after midnight) and had what's called a RF procedure completed. RF stands for Radio Frequency and is where the doctor essentially burns or cauterizes the nerve that is causing the pain. I was having a serious panic attack when I got to the doctor's office because they told me there was not enough time to give me a zanex for my anxiety. The nurse is friends with my brother and the older sister of my brother's ex-girlfriend, who is also my friend. So she tells me that she text my brother this morning to make sure I'm there early so the zanex has time to kick in before my procedure. Yep, sure didn't get that message. So I ask if I could have the IV conscious sedative this time because I had it last time. I didn't want it because it burned like hell and made me cry the last time, but it was better than nothing at all. They tell me that they don't have any there right now so I was SOL. As the nurse is telling me this and explaining for me to get in my gown and little surgery hat and to leave my socks and undergarments on, the surgery nurse pops open my "holding area" door and says they are ready for me. I have a full blown meltdown at that point and start to panic, telling them I'm running out the other door. The nurse explains that I wasn't given the zanex and there is no conscious sedatives there so what does she do because I obviously really need one. The surgery nurse asked if I have a driver (yup, my big brother goes with me since my hubby is gone during the week) and says to give me two zanex because it would kick in almost immediately.
So I go in the room and lay down on the surgery bed, face down...well I lay my head sideways on this cool little pillow cause I like to stare at the weird things they have on the wall. I asked the surgery nurse what to expect. I've had two sets of injections before and wanted to know if it would be similar to those or different. She told me that they will initially inject a local anesthetic into my spice to numb the area, and then the doctor will use fluoroscopy (it's like a live version of an x-ray) to guide the placement of his needles. Once the needles are in the right place he will shoot me up with more anesthetic. Then they will send electrical current to the nerve to make sure the needle is exactly where it will be. They said the electrical current shouldn't hurt, but I might feel a little tingle or pulse type of thing. Once they do that and determine if the needle is in the right place, they numb me some more and then they cauterize the nerve. Apparently one of the needles is a special heating needle that heats up to 80 degrees Celsius and it cauterizes the nerve. They said I shouldn't feel anything when that happens because I will be numb, but if I did feel anything to let them know immediately and they will stop and add more anesthetic to the area. I'm pretty sure he numbed me 6 times, in multiple locations because they cauterized 2 or 3 nerves. They gave me a squishy stress ball to squeeze during the procedure...which was mainly to distract me, and it helped for the most part! I only felt pain when he was inserting the needles initially and when he was injecting the anesthetic. No joke it felt like 1,000 bee stings at once with every needle poke. The injection of the medicine was excruciating pain, but I was so thankful for it after I was numb. The entire procedure lasted about 30 minutes roughly. They said I will be really sore and in pain for 24-72 hours and then the pain will slowly start to dissipate. After that it should be 6 months to 2 years with no pain in that area at all.
So my brother and I decided to go get lunch after I was done. I figured I owed it to him to buy him lunch since he took the morning off work (for the second time) to go with me to my appointment. I'm extremely thankful that my brother's boss is understanding and willing to let my brother do these things without much notice. So we went to eat at Chipotle...which was amazing as always. My brother drove me to his work and then I drove to my mom's house across town. I could tell the double dose of zanex was starting to kick in so I needed to go home soon. I live 30 minutes from my mom's house, 50 minutes from my doctor. My mom asked if I wanted to have my stepdad drive me home and have my grandma pick him up. I said no I'm fine. She said do you want grandma to drive you home and have Cliff, her husband, follow you and pick her up. I again said I'm fine to drive. Little did I know, she could tell I wasn't fine, but I honestly thought I was fine. My eyes were barely open and I felt 100% exhausted. I just wanted to get home and go to sleep. So I had a soda (that was unfortunately caffeine free) and some New Kids On The Block that is a high energy CD that I used to keep me awake. I did fine until I made it to Chapman, which is the half-way point to my house. After that I noticed my eyes started to get blurry and a couple times I was driving in the middle of the interstate (yep driving on the dotted white line). I'm surprised other cars didn't call 911 and report me drunk. I successfully made it home alive without killing anyone or myself. I let the dogs out for 5 minutes to potty, and then we went to take a "nap." I slept for 5 hours straight. I woke up at 6:00 pm all confused as to why it was dark outside and why my clock was reading 6 pm. I suppose that's what taking 2 xanex will do to you! All 4 of my dogs slept with me during my nap. My rottweiler laid next to my back, with his back up against mine so none of the dogs could accidentally kick me while we slept. Since I woke up, I've been really sore, lots of pain on my right side (the side of the procedure), and I'm walking extremely slow. I went to Dairy Queen for dinner because I couldn't stand the idea of standing in front of the stove cooking a meal in this kind of pain. So I of course treated myself to a milkshake as well! :) Now that I have taken all my pills and my pain pill, I'm relaxing until I can fall asleep. My dogs are being amazing, they are walking with me anytime I get up and move. They are playing quietly for once and taking turns checking on me or sitting next to me. I don't think I could ask for better caregivers!
So I went back to the doctor today (well yesterday now that it's after midnight) and had what's called a RF procedure completed. RF stands for Radio Frequency and is where the doctor essentially burns or cauterizes the nerve that is causing the pain. I was having a serious panic attack when I got to the doctor's office because they told me there was not enough time to give me a zanex for my anxiety. The nurse is friends with my brother and the older sister of my brother's ex-girlfriend, who is also my friend. So she tells me that she text my brother this morning to make sure I'm there early so the zanex has time to kick in before my procedure. Yep, sure didn't get that message. So I ask if I could have the IV conscious sedative this time because I had it last time. I didn't want it because it burned like hell and made me cry the last time, but it was better than nothing at all. They tell me that they don't have any there right now so I was SOL. As the nurse is telling me this and explaining for me to get in my gown and little surgery hat and to leave my socks and undergarments on, the surgery nurse pops open my "holding area" door and says they are ready for me. I have a full blown meltdown at that point and start to panic, telling them I'm running out the other door. The nurse explains that I wasn't given the zanex and there is no conscious sedatives there so what does she do because I obviously really need one. The surgery nurse asked if I have a driver (yup, my big brother goes with me since my hubby is gone during the week) and says to give me two zanex because it would kick in almost immediately.
So I go in the room and lay down on the surgery bed, face down...well I lay my head sideways on this cool little pillow cause I like to stare at the weird things they have on the wall. I asked the surgery nurse what to expect. I've had two sets of injections before and wanted to know if it would be similar to those or different. She told me that they will initially inject a local anesthetic into my spice to numb the area, and then the doctor will use fluoroscopy (it's like a live version of an x-ray) to guide the placement of his needles. Once the needles are in the right place he will shoot me up with more anesthetic. Then they will send electrical current to the nerve to make sure the needle is exactly where it will be. They said the electrical current shouldn't hurt, but I might feel a little tingle or pulse type of thing. Once they do that and determine if the needle is in the right place, they numb me some more and then they cauterize the nerve. Apparently one of the needles is a special heating needle that heats up to 80 degrees Celsius and it cauterizes the nerve. They said I shouldn't feel anything when that happens because I will be numb, but if I did feel anything to let them know immediately and they will stop and add more anesthetic to the area. I'm pretty sure he numbed me 6 times, in multiple locations because they cauterized 2 or 3 nerves. They gave me a squishy stress ball to squeeze during the procedure...which was mainly to distract me, and it helped for the most part! I only felt pain when he was inserting the needles initially and when he was injecting the anesthetic. No joke it felt like 1,000 bee stings at once with every needle poke. The injection of the medicine was excruciating pain, but I was so thankful for it after I was numb. The entire procedure lasted about 30 minutes roughly. They said I will be really sore and in pain for 24-72 hours and then the pain will slowly start to dissipate. After that it should be 6 months to 2 years with no pain in that area at all.
So my brother and I decided to go get lunch after I was done. I figured I owed it to him to buy him lunch since he took the morning off work (for the second time) to go with me to my appointment. I'm extremely thankful that my brother's boss is understanding and willing to let my brother do these things without much notice. So we went to eat at Chipotle...which was amazing as always. My brother drove me to his work and then I drove to my mom's house across town. I could tell the double dose of zanex was starting to kick in so I needed to go home soon. I live 30 minutes from my mom's house, 50 minutes from my doctor. My mom asked if I wanted to have my stepdad drive me home and have my grandma pick him up. I said no I'm fine. She said do you want grandma to drive you home and have Cliff, her husband, follow you and pick her up. I again said I'm fine to drive. Little did I know, she could tell I wasn't fine, but I honestly thought I was fine. My eyes were barely open and I felt 100% exhausted. I just wanted to get home and go to sleep. So I had a soda (that was unfortunately caffeine free) and some New Kids On The Block that is a high energy CD that I used to keep me awake. I did fine until I made it to Chapman, which is the half-way point to my house. After that I noticed my eyes started to get blurry and a couple times I was driving in the middle of the interstate (yep driving on the dotted white line). I'm surprised other cars didn't call 911 and report me drunk. I successfully made it home alive without killing anyone or myself. I let the dogs out for 5 minutes to potty, and then we went to take a "nap." I slept for 5 hours straight. I woke up at 6:00 pm all confused as to why it was dark outside and why my clock was reading 6 pm. I suppose that's what taking 2 xanex will do to you! All 4 of my dogs slept with me during my nap. My rottweiler laid next to my back, with his back up against mine so none of the dogs could accidentally kick me while we slept. Since I woke up, I've been really sore, lots of pain on my right side (the side of the procedure), and I'm walking extremely slow. I went to Dairy Queen for dinner because I couldn't stand the idea of standing in front of the stove cooking a meal in this kind of pain. So I of course treated myself to a milkshake as well! :) Now that I have taken all my pills and my pain pill, I'm relaxing until I can fall asleep. My dogs are being amazing, they are walking with me anytime I get up and move. They are playing quietly for once and taking turns checking on me or sitting next to me. I don't think I could ask for better caregivers!
Longest update ever...part 1
You know the longer it has been since you've updated your blog, the less motivation you feel toward doing it. I've been putting it off since the end of October/beginning of November just because it seemed too daunting to bother with. Well a lot has happened since the last update, as I'm sure you can imagine. My practicum agency has undergone some major changes, which often leave staff wondering if they will have a job next week. We merged our two residential facilities, gained a new clinical director, then lost that clinical director, then our executive director resumed both positions. Everyone keeps telling me that I'm probably one of the only safe people at the agency because I'm free help. If they "fire" the student intern then everyone else knows they are doomed as well. I do my best to stay out of the drama that has come up since all the transitions, but I share an office with the two social workers. Our office always has been and will always be the information hub of the facility, so it becomes difficult to avoid the gossip. Aside from that I've just been busy with school and my practicum. I was supposed to have 360 hours for the semester and I ended up with 402.5 hours for the semester. I used 2 of my allotted "sick days" during the semester, one for a final exam and the other to attend a court hearing for my cousin's murder trial...that we hope will begin soon. I gave up one of my two Christmas break weeks (social work students come back roughly 2-3 weeks earlier than normal students because of our practicum obligations) to work, which ended up being really good because I got a lot of stuff done that the other social workers had absolutely no time to finish.
I mentioned that I had to take a day off in November for a court hearing for my cousin's murder trial. I can't really say anything about it due to it being held in a federal court and the severity of everything going on. I will say that they have two suspects in custody, one of which was who we all knew was involved, the other one caught us all by surprise...especially since we used to know his family. The say it could be up to a year before the actual trial begins, but the suspects are in custody and will remain in custody. I try not to think about it near as much because I trust the judicial system and know that the length of time means the prosecution has more time to solidify their case. Granted it also means the defense has time to solidify their case as well, but I trust the states attorney when he says he is confident about the case. I will say though, when we went to the hearing, we were late because we didn't know where to park. The security officer made me take off my boots so they could run them through the visual scanner because he thought I had a weapon in there. Then he refused to give them back to me at first. Imagine the look on my face as I was one second away from causing a scene in a federal courthouse. One thing that I didn't know was that they confiscate cell phones while you are in the federal courthouse. I suppose its so people can't communicate what is happening, but it was really odd to me. I did get my boots back back and had to run to the elevator as I was trying to put them back on and zip them all at the same time. The officers radioed someone as we were on the elevator to let them know we were coming up, and apparently they cleared everyone out of the hallway for us. I didn't know this until afterwards, but apparently as "the victims" of the case they wanted to protect us from everyone and/or protect everyone else from us. My aunt held up amazing for the hearing, but my mom was another story. She was so angry sitting in the same room with the two suspects, so we probably won't be taking her with us to future hearings. I think I did a great job of holding myself together as well. Being in a courtroom is a familiar, safe, place for me due to my line of work...so I looked at this as the same thing. It probably helped that I had recently taken a trip to the women's state prison a few weeks prior and met a woman who was in prison for voluntary manslaughter. Plus I work with extremely violent youth and sex offenders everyday, so I've learned how to keep a tough face. Okay back to my original story. I noticed immediately there were two US Marshalls in the courtroom due to it being a federal case...and I must admit that they were everything I thought a US Marshall would look like. They were incognito, nice suits, badge on their waist, and pretty good looking. We all need some good eye candy in times of stress! :)
Okay so I'm going to post the rest in another update so anyone who actually still reads this doesn't get bored with my novel!
I mentioned that I had to take a day off in November for a court hearing for my cousin's murder trial. I can't really say anything about it due to it being held in a federal court and the severity of everything going on. I will say that they have two suspects in custody, one of which was who we all knew was involved, the other one caught us all by surprise...especially since we used to know his family. The say it could be up to a year before the actual trial begins, but the suspects are in custody and will remain in custody. I try not to think about it near as much because I trust the judicial system and know that the length of time means the prosecution has more time to solidify their case. Granted it also means the defense has time to solidify their case as well, but I trust the states attorney when he says he is confident about the case. I will say though, when we went to the hearing, we were late because we didn't know where to park. The security officer made me take off my boots so they could run them through the visual scanner because he thought I had a weapon in there. Then he refused to give them back to me at first. Imagine the look on my face as I was one second away from causing a scene in a federal courthouse. One thing that I didn't know was that they confiscate cell phones while you are in the federal courthouse. I suppose its so people can't communicate what is happening, but it was really odd to me. I did get my boots back back and had to run to the elevator as I was trying to put them back on and zip them all at the same time. The officers radioed someone as we were on the elevator to let them know we were coming up, and apparently they cleared everyone out of the hallway for us. I didn't know this until afterwards, but apparently as "the victims" of the case they wanted to protect us from everyone and/or protect everyone else from us. My aunt held up amazing for the hearing, but my mom was another story. She was so angry sitting in the same room with the two suspects, so we probably won't be taking her with us to future hearings. I think I did a great job of holding myself together as well. Being in a courtroom is a familiar, safe, place for me due to my line of work...so I looked at this as the same thing. It probably helped that I had recently taken a trip to the women's state prison a few weeks prior and met a woman who was in prison for voluntary manslaughter. Plus I work with extremely violent youth and sex offenders everyday, so I've learned how to keep a tough face. Okay back to my original story. I noticed immediately there were two US Marshalls in the courtroom due to it being a federal case...and I must admit that they were everything I thought a US Marshall would look like. They were incognito, nice suits, badge on their waist, and pretty good looking. We all need some good eye candy in times of stress! :)
Okay so I'm going to post the rest in another update so anyone who actually still reads this doesn't get bored with my novel!
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Just a little update
It's strange to think that I haven't blogged in just over a month. I've sat down to write a post numerous times...but my thoughts just weren't coming out the way I wanted them to, so I gave up the attempt. Things have changed pretty drastically around here. Kyle is finally working. I say finally because it was about 11 months since he had a job...11 months of hell. I think he started to get a little too comfortable sitting at home playing video games, watching things on youtube and watching TV. It's like he was looking for a certain job and would not take anything else, despite us truly needing to have that income coming in. People assume that because he is "retired army" that he is making a lot of money. The truth is that he is only making about $1100 a month from the Army and about $300 a month from the VA. $1400 a month is not enough to cover the bills, gas for the vehicles, groceries, and food for the dogs. It's frustrating to think that we currently owe 9 months worth of rent, have two maxed out credit cards, have been late paying most of our bills each month, and live off such a little amount of money. Now that he is working (not a great paying job, but it's some income coming in) we will at least be able to pay most of our bills with ease, except our rent. I thank the lord every single day that we live in my grandmother's house and she is allowing us to pay her back when we can. By the time we are able to pay her back, we will probably owe around $8000 in past rent...if not more. The downfall of everything is that Kyle is horrible with his money and refuses to get a joint banking account. I even suggested we have a joint account and separate accounts that way all the money for bills can come out of one account...and I know it's paid. He refuses to do that. He wants to keep his account with USAA and not use any other bank. The downfall to this is that his new boss won't direct deposit, he only pays in paper checks. This means that we have to mail off his paycheck when he gets them or pay $3.00 to have the cashed at the grocery store. Either we wait an additional week to be able to pay bills or we lose $3.00 every paycheck. In the end he cashes the check and gives a large chunk of the money to me so I can put the money in my account and pay all the bills. Seriously it's a waste of time and money to keep playing this game...but it's a battle I hate fighting all the time.
On that note, Kyle's new job means he is gone a lot. I'm not going to say how often/what he does/when he works/etc for safety purposes of me and him. For those who don't know, I have severe anxiety when he is gone. By this I mean I keep everything in my house locked up, all doors to rooms in my house are closed unless I will be going in there that day/night...and then there is a lamp turned on when I'm not in there. Ummm my phone is in my hand or pocket at all times...never do I leave the room without it. My dogs are inside the house with me about 90% of the time, and they sleep in my room with me. The biggest thing is that I usually worry myself to the point of tears and it's anywhere from 2am-6am before I actually fall asleep...but I'll only be able to fall asleep if I have a loaded gun under the pillow next to me. Not exactly the safest thing to do, but it's what helps me get through a night alone.
This is a HUGE change for me. I used to be extremely independent. I lived alone in a semi bad neighborhood (ironically my house was about 3 blocks from where my cousin was murdered in her car). I had one cat, no dogs, no weapons other than a 50 lb purse (no joke on the weight of my purse either)...it was just me and my kitty. I kept my doors shut and locked when I was home, I kept my windows closed and locked....but I never worried about my safety. Every since Kyle moved in with me after his last deployment (he got back in September 2006), things have slowly been changing and I've started to develop anxiety. Kyle is generally a paranoid person. He is always watching the doors, looking over his shoulder, and watching every person around him. This is part of his PTSD...he believes something bad will happen if he doesn't keep his guard up at all times. He even does this in my parent's house. It's a horrible feeling to not feel safe when you're by yourself. I live in a very small town, in a very good neighborhood. There are primarily older, retired couples or widows that live in our neighborhood. We have a state trooper, 2 sheriff's deputies, and 2-3 police officers who live in my neighborhood. I have no reason to not feel safe. I've been working on this and it gets a little bit easier as time without him progresses...but it's still tough. I'm hoping things will start to get easier for me as time passes...but only time will tell.
Well I suppose that's enough of my ramblings for now. I don't want to bore my readers too much (if anyone still reads this blog).
Rachelle
On that note, Kyle's new job means he is gone a lot. I'm not going to say how often/what he does/when he works/etc for safety purposes of me and him. For those who don't know, I have severe anxiety when he is gone. By this I mean I keep everything in my house locked up, all doors to rooms in my house are closed unless I will be going in there that day/night...and then there is a lamp turned on when I'm not in there. Ummm my phone is in my hand or pocket at all times...never do I leave the room without it. My dogs are inside the house with me about 90% of the time, and they sleep in my room with me. The biggest thing is that I usually worry myself to the point of tears and it's anywhere from 2am-6am before I actually fall asleep...but I'll only be able to fall asleep if I have a loaded gun under the pillow next to me. Not exactly the safest thing to do, but it's what helps me get through a night alone.
This is a HUGE change for me. I used to be extremely independent. I lived alone in a semi bad neighborhood (ironically my house was about 3 blocks from where my cousin was murdered in her car). I had one cat, no dogs, no weapons other than a 50 lb purse (no joke on the weight of my purse either)...it was just me and my kitty. I kept my doors shut and locked when I was home, I kept my windows closed and locked....but I never worried about my safety. Every since Kyle moved in with me after his last deployment (he got back in September 2006), things have slowly been changing and I've started to develop anxiety. Kyle is generally a paranoid person. He is always watching the doors, looking over his shoulder, and watching every person around him. This is part of his PTSD...he believes something bad will happen if he doesn't keep his guard up at all times. He even does this in my parent's house. It's a horrible feeling to not feel safe when you're by yourself. I live in a very small town, in a very good neighborhood. There are primarily older, retired couples or widows that live in our neighborhood. We have a state trooper, 2 sheriff's deputies, and 2-3 police officers who live in my neighborhood. I have no reason to not feel safe. I've been working on this and it gets a little bit easier as time without him progresses...but it's still tough. I'm hoping things will start to get easier for me as time passes...but only time will tell.
Well I suppose that's enough of my ramblings for now. I don't want to bore my readers too much (if anyone still reads this blog).
Rachelle
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
In a Rut
So I'm in a rut tonight. Not sure why, but I go through this phase everytime the seasons start to change. I just feel really depressed and lonely. I'm known for quite some time that I don't have friends. I've got a couple girls that I used to work with who I consider friends....but we don't ever do anything together. I literally do not leave my house unless I'm going to class, practicum, grocery shopping or to my mom's house. I think back to 5 years ago and remember how much of a social butterfly I used to be, and how social my husband used to be. Now all we do is sit in the house and do nothing. If we don't have something going on that day, we will be inside the house for a good 23 hours and 45 minutes. That other 15 minutes will be taking the dogs out back and standing there with them for a couple minutes. It's seriously depressing and heartbreaking knowing that I don't have any friends. I know that's a sign that I need to get out and have a life...but how do you do that when your husband has severe PTSD. He doesn't like to meet new people and always thinks something or someone is watching him whenever we go anywhere. It makes things difficult to try to build a new friendship. Ugh....I'm just tired of being lonely. Even when we are together, 90% of his time is spent playing video games or on YouTube. 5% is spent cooking and the other 5% is eating dinner with me while we watch one of the shows we like together. It's just frustrating because I know a lot has to do with his injuries and all that jazz....but then I feel like I'm not doing something right because I can't get him to spend quality time with me. I'd rather have some crappy time over no time....but in reality I just want quality time and maybe some friends.
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